I could quote her all day.
“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”
― Mother Teresa, A Simple Path: Mother Teresa
The beautiful Sivan sisters singing; Meera, Feba and Abiya!
INDIA: Day 41
This morning, we sent the girls off to school for the last time.
This is going to be such a sad and hard day. The time has just gone by so fast…too fast. I feel like I need more time. But, as much as I want to find more time…there’s nothing I can do to add any more hours to the few we have left. My heart throbs at the thought of leaving. When I try to describe it, the only thing I can use is that I’ve truly fallen in love with the children…and now these 31 girls who have captured my heart have to stay in India, while I return home…12,733 km away.
There were so many things we needed to do. We got ready this morning to go into Alwaye, to print pictures for the girls/the home, and to buy food items we want to bring home. When we returned to the home, we finished packing before leaving to attend the Alumni meeting where Emmanuel was speaking.
When it finished, we returned to spend the last few hours of our evening with the precious children, college students and workers who cared for us, loved on us and were our family in India.
The girls were all excited to see us when we got back. While I was out, I picked up a package that arrived from Mrs. K (perfect timing) that was filled with lots of types of candy…perfect for giving them with their pictures before leaving. They loved them. We also presented the college girls with some pictures we took while we were there, which they loved. Linsha brought us in our Sari blouses which she spent all day working on to finish for us by tonight! She is so sweet. So we tried them on for her, and took pictures with the all of the girls!
After, we all went downstairs to eat our supper, a special meal…CHICKEN! In India, it’s so expensive for meat, poultry or fish..so it’s a special treat for the kids to get it. And tonight was the perfect night for it…it was like a big celebration…not for our leaving, but for the time we spent there.
We all went upstairs after and finished cleaning up our room, clearing things out, and giving things away…then Emmanuel and Molly showed up, which caught us off guard. Not that we didn’t know they were coming, but we didn’t know what time they were coming at. And unfortunately, they were in a hurry which immediately made me nauseous. As we were trying to be hurried out, neither Cherina or I had the chance to truly say goodbye to the girls who we had just spent time learning about, loving on, tucking in and pouring into…the 31 girls who changed our lives forever.
As I said goodbye, I did not break down until one of the girls, Hebzeeba said, “Goodnight Auntie, I love you. Sweet Dreams.” What I said to them every night when I tucked them in. At that moment, I truly realized that there would be no more tucking in, no more saying good night’s or I love you’s. This was it.
If I tried to describe the feeling, I don’t think I could accurately write all that I felt. The only word I can use to describe it is pain. It was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had…having to say goodbye to those 31 beautiful and precious girls.
As I tried making my way around to find and say goodbye to each girl, I would find them huddled in the corner or hunched over with their backs turned…crying so hard…and there was nothing I could say to console them. I found my sweet Sukanya in the corner sobbing…and as much as I tried to hold her up and give her a hug…she was so upset and overwhelmed, she couldn’t even give me a real hug goodbye. Meera helped me bring my luggage downstairs and as we made our way to the jeep started crying saying, “Please Auntie, please…don’t go to the America. Please Auntie.” She wrapped her arms around me so tight and with her face in my stomach started sobbing. In the girls room downstairs, more of the girls were hiding away, crying. I found Athira and Preethi in there, and as I said goodbye and was kissing them for the last time…I was kissing away the tears that just continued to pour down their cheeks. Saying goodbye to Jaya and Linsha was even hard…and as soon as Jaya hugged us she cried even harder…which made us do the same.
The last mental picture I have of those girls is of their swollen red eyes, and tear streaked faces…and un-expressed emotion. Maybe of sadness, anger, confusion and pain all in one. I know that those were my emotions.
As I blew them all one last kiss, and walked into the rain and got into the jeep, I couldn’t keep the tears from coming. We drove away, and as Cherina reached over and grabbed my hand…I found a little comfort in knowing that SHE understood how much pain I was feeling…even if no one else did.
I had a really hard time trying to pull myself together. Questions raced through my mind such as, “Who will tuck the girls in tonight? Who will give them kisses, tell them how beautiful they are and be there to greet them when they get up in the morning? Who will stay up with them late at night when they do homework, or craddle them when they are having a bad day, or listen to their struggles? Why did I come half way across the world, only to have my heart broken by leaving? What am I going to do when I get home? How is this trip going to affect my life when I return home, and back to school? Will I ever see them again? Will I ever get the chance to come back?”
And as I still try to find the answers to the many questions racing through my mind…I have no comfort except through the Lord. Because He has the answers to my questions, and truly knows the aching of my heart…I know He will reveal to me the things I need to know in HIS perfect timing…and will do the same for the girls, who may be asking themselves some of the same questions.
My heart is broken…and I can do nothing but rest in HIM.
INDIA: Day 40
Today, Cherina and I spent the day in Kochi shopping for souvenirs with Emmanuel and Jobis. We met Stanley’s sister Ginsy before leaving. She was at Molly and Abraham’s to visit.
We drove the 1 hr drive into Kochi at around 11, and of course I got nauseous from the driving. I don’t think that’s ever going to change….
We went to one souvenir shop and stayed for a while, then met up with one of Emmanuel’s friends John, and ate at Pizza Hut for lunch. Which is not to be confused with our Pizza Hut..because they’re not at all alike lol. The Pizza Hut in Kochi was like a fancy sit-down restaurant, where someone was waiting to open the door for you and everything. The food was even different…it was good, but still different than the pizza at our Pizza Hut.
Once we finished with that, and went to one last shop, we ventured back home. Unfortunately we didn’t get to ride the elephants today, which was disappointing for me. That’s the one thing I wanted to do while I was in India…but the place was closed on Mondays…and that was our only free day before leaving. SO…I guess I will have to just come back and ride elephants next time. :)
When we got home, we spent our time with the girls. They didn’t have homework, so we had lots of free-time with them. During chapel, we spoke about being at the home and how we were blessed by it, and the girls spoke about us. A couple of the girls shared their feelings and expressed how thankful they were for us coming and being there. One of the girls, Angel, told us that WE were angels. She said that when we came to the home, all of the children became very happy. She said that when we stayed up with them at night helping with homework, and loving on them, that it meant so much to them. Meera spoke and said that having us there made them forget that they missed their parents, because we loved on all of the children.
They melt our heart.
INDIA: Day 39
Last night we got back on the train from Chennai, to travel back to Alwaye in Kerala. Unfortunately, this train ride was a little worse than our first. Again, I did not use the bathroom the whole twelve hours. Also, as we were sitting in our bunks this time, I saw something dark running across the floor in front of me. I never really caught a good look at it, but figured it was a cockroach or something. They were crawling everywhere…all over the seats, and into anything (food, drink…) you left open. Then the man across from me looks down at my side, where the dark fast little creature ran past again and in his Indian accent said, “Rat.” Lovely. I was so uneasy after that, I would not put my feet back down on the ground, lol.
That night, when we went to go to sleep, Molly and Abraham had begun making their beds on bunk on top of the other, so that Cherina and I could stay up longer and try to do some work. However, we soon realized that the closer to the ground we are the more likely to be around those creatures so we gladly decided to lay down in our bunks then and let them both sleep on the bunks lowest to the ground.
Well…as I was laying in my bunk and Cherina was laying across from me in hers listening to music…I notice this man diagonal of me staring at me from his bunk. It was a little weird, because he wasn’t looking away even if I made eye contact…so I moved back more in my bunk to get out of his sight….to which he moved back more in his seat so he could see me. At this point I was starting to get nervous, so I told Cherina. So she went to the end of her bed and looked at him. And waited. And looked at him again. And waited. And then asked if he was still looking…which he was…so then she started to get a little freaked out too. So we decided it might be a good idea to let Molly know…which meant waking her up. So I told her and she sat up in her bed, looked at the man, stood up and looked at me, and looked at the man…and then told me he was probably just curious about what I was doing (because I was on my computer) and to just ignore him. I responded with “ok”…even though I didn’t feel ok, and decided to put my computer away so that distraction would be gone. Well, a few minutes after I put it away, the man and his friend move to the bunks opposite where Cherina and I were laying. Now at this point, I was trying not to freak out but felt so nervous. Mostly because I was the only white person on the train, a girl, and it was dark. Emmauel was sleeping above me and Molly was below me…but I still was so scared. So I said a prayer and tried to force myself to sleep. Like the prior night I had on the train, this train night was also sleepless. I was awake all night, and kept looking to see if the men were still there, or still awake.
In the morning, I got up at 5 am. I looked for the man, and he was sleeping diagonal from me, in his original seat. And once he woke up, he still stared. Needless to say, I was very excited to get off of the rat, cockroach and creepy man filled train!
When we got back, it was raining lots (and apparently had been raining for a long time because a lot of areas were flooded). We got dropped off at the girls home to rest a little before the afternoon service we were going to attend. The girls were all getting ready to go to church, but were so excited to see us return and wanted to hug, kiss and talk to us about our trip. Jaya sent us upstairs to rest and let them finish up studying their verses and song to present in church. She had been staying with the girls alone for the past two days, and did a great job!
We were supposed to use our time home to rest, but I used it to prepare for what I was going to speak on at the Young Leaders Conference at 4 pm. I always do really bad last minute preparing because it stresses me out, but that’s kind of the way they do things in India. It might be spur of the moment, or last minute notice, but they always want to hear what you have to say or hear you speak. Which is really great, but has definitely stretched me!!! SO much, lol.
So I spoke on what it meant to be a leader, and the qualities in a leader that we want to see. It went pretty good. After we left there, we went to another church in Kochi, and were asked to share something there. I just shared a song, which was actually a really funny experience.
So I stood up to get ready to sing while Cherina finished her testimony…and the music guy asks me if I’m going to sing. To which I respond yes. Then he asks if I’m going to play music, and I had none with me so I said no. Then he asks what the song is and what key it’s in (which I didn’t know)…and says he can play along. He tried to play but I could already tell it would be really difficult to attempt that, so I said, “It’s ok, I’ll just sing myself.” To which he responds…well I can pick it up while you sing. Now, I’ve had people try and do that before, and that was in America where the song is a little more familiar…so I could only imagine him attempting to do the same. So again I say, “No, it’s ok. I can sing it without music. It will probably be a little easier.” Well…wouldn’t you know when I stepped up to the mic he stepped up to the piano, and started playing chords as soon as I hit the first note. I was trying my best to not laugh, but it was REALLY hard! It didn’t sound at all like the song, and he had never heard it so didn’t know where to change the chords or the beat or anything. I kind of wish I had a clip of it to attach because it was so funny…I had all I could do to not laugh. And that takes a lot of effort on my part because I laugh so easily.
When we got home it was really late, so the younger girls were all asleep, but the older ones were still awake. So Cherina and I stayed up with them for a while (we missed them so much while we were gone) and put them to sleep. Sukanya was a little distant tonight though. I think it’s because she knows we have to leave soon and she doesn’t know how to handle it…so she’s distancing herself instead. Tonight I was searching for her during bedtime because she was no where to be found..and I found her downstairs laying on the floor in one of the empty rooms crying. It’s so hard to see this, and know that there really aren’t any consoling words to give them. Leaving is going to be so hard on both the children and us. We’ve made so many bonds and built so many relationships…getting to know the girls not as a whole, but as individuals. Seeing their beauty, their wonderful qualities and all of their potential.
Tonight when I was saying goodnight to the girls, Hebzeeba was crying in her bed as well. She had gotten in a fight with her best friend at the home, Jismy, and it was weighing so heavy on her heart. I could tell something was wrong earlier, but knew for sure when I saw her in her bed crying that she was upset. So I talked to her, encouraged her with a couple of my personal friendship stories like hers, and prayed with her. She’s probably one of the sweetest girls there. They are all sweet, but Hebzeeba is so meek and gentle, and never seeks or competes for your attention. She will wait patiently for you to have time to love on her or attention to give her. She is a special little girl, and is so smart!
After saying goodnight to her, I went to the next bed which is Meera’s. My poor girl, she’s had a rough time understanding that we will be leaving soon. She’s been asking for so many nights to come to America, or for us to not leave India. She didn’t even talk tonight. She just looked at me as tears streamed down her face, and clasped my hand, holding it tightly to her cheek. She laid her head on my lap and I sang her a song as I held her and rubbed her back until she fell asleep.
My heart is breaking….more and more each day that brings us closer to leaving this country, this state, and these beautiful girl’s I’ve fallen in love with.
Tag to India: Day 28…
The shirt I dyed in the red mud from India that the girls all signed. The photo does not do it justice.
INDIA: Day 38
Today, we left the pastor’s house and took a train to the city, where we we met up with Grace. We went to a mall there…a real, huge mall…and got to walk around. We didn’t buy anything, but we did get some coffee, which was amazing! It tasted so good..I’ve missed the coffee from home. The mall we went to was a 5 level shopping centre.
After spending some time at the mall, and eating supper (which for Cherina and I was Malaysian food…so good), we left to head to the train station. On our way out of the mall, there were children at the entrance with little coloring books, selling them for 20 rupees a book. It was so sad to see these small children, out so late at night, begging for people to buy books from them and so many people walking by.
We gave the little girl at the gate some money, and continued to walk…and only got about 10 steps away from her before being met by a little boy with dark hair and dark eyes and no shoes…chasing after us to try and sell a book. We walked for so long, trying to be conscious that if we gave to him too….they would just continue to come…but having our hearts broken even more as he asked “Please Madame…I need food Madame…Please Madame…”
Finally, Emmanuel stepped between us and him, and spoke to him separately, buying a book and continuing on his way.
My heart just breaks more and more for the children all over the world doing this..but especially here, in India.
INDIA: Day 37
This morning we arrived in Chennai. We debarked from the train and into the warm morning air. We were greeted by the Pastor, and went back to his house so we could shower and get ready and eat breakfast.
After breakfast this morning, we went made the 2 hr drive to Andhra Pradesh, where Lilly is from, to visit the children’s home there. While we were driving there…we began to notice the change in scenery as things began looking more and more like we were in Israel. (I’ll put up a picture).
When we arrived at the boys home, we were greeted by 14 handsome little boys. They were so precious, and all of these boys were orphans…abandoned by their parents, or orphaned by them.
One of the little ones who stole my heart was little Sam. He was 3 years old, and was abandoned by his parents who either did not want him or could not care for him. HE was taken in by a local pastor, however the pastor did not have the means to care for him either. They brought him to this children’s home, where he could receive the nourishment he needed, and a home to live in. While Emmanuel was doing interviews with the children, one by one, the others were standing around me singing me songs. Little Sam was sitting on my lap, and from rocking and cradling I was doing, and probably the music from the other little boys, he ended up falling asleep in my lap. As I sat there with this precious little boy in my arms…I could not imagine being his mother, and leaving him. It was so hard to see…and try to process…but even harder to know that this happens so often, and that not all children are provided with a home to go to.
When we left, Emmanuel told me that I had probably been the first one to hold him like that in a very long time. It broke my heart…and I wish I could have just taken him home with me. It’s so hard to see, and not be able to fix or change.
We left the home after having our lunch, which consisted of many fresh fruits like mango, guava, pineapple, banana and other plum-like fruits…and returned to the pastor’s home. He also has a small boys home for orphans. We we returned, we went down to the courtyard where they were playing, and found out their names and played with them until they had to go inside.
Emmanuel’s sister, Grace, arrived tonight. She’s so sweet, and very beautiful! She isn’t able to stay for long because she has school in the morning, but tomorrow I think we are driving into the city to meet up with her in the afternoon.
We had prayer with the family at night. They had me sing and share my testimony about coming to India, and Cherina shared hers as well.
It is SO humid here…and so hot. Our fan is not very strong, so Cherina and I just want to take cold showers. I decided to go first, and when I did, found a big cockroach in our bathroom!! And Molly just told us that if we found any bugs in our room not to scream…and right after shutting the door and going into the bathroom I let a big screech out! Luckily…she never came back in to find out what it was from.
INDIA: Day 36
Emmanuel came to pick us up to go to Chennai this afternoon. Cherina and I packed our things & went to his home, which gave us some time to check some messages and whatnot before leaving. We returned to the girls home and got to say goodbye after the girls returned home from school (one glimpse of what really leaving will be like) and before leaving to get on the train.
Now this was my first train experience (other than taking the train into Boston one time). We walked up to the train, and took one step into it and the first thing you smelled when you walked on was the urine from the toilet. Now, Allison had forewarned me about the toilet so I knew to expect bad…but I wasn’t expecting the smell to penetrate my nostrils as soon as I walked in, lol.
We sat in our seats and took in the train atmosphere. From the random people we were sitting with, to the men walking up and down the isle trying to sell toys, food, water, tea and coffee (or cappy as they call it)…to the people begging for money with small children, or deformities…it was a lot to take in.
Eventually went to sleep. Now, sleeping was another story. It consisted of folding down beds. Cherina and I both slept on the second tier, above Molly and Abraham. Cherina woke me up in the middle of the night because she had to go to the bathroom. Now, unlike myself, Cherina does not wake up fully alert. Therefore, as she was tapping my leg to get me to help her out (and we couldn’t go to the bathrooms alone)…I reached above her, and tapped on Emmanuel’s leg so that he could bring her, lol. I tried not to drink water so I wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom on the train. I was a little discouraged when the first time Cherina went and came back she said… “You won’t be able to do it.” That, and having the smell coming our way from the bathroom or outside of the train was enough for me. I refused to use the toilet.
All night I was up. I kept waking up from the bumps, or the people walking by, or the smell… I didn’t get a very good night’s sleep, but it was an experience, to say the least.
And thank God, I didn’t get sick!
